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One year, three months and nineteen days ago, my world as I knew it came to a screeching halt. My husband of nearly fourteen years, out of the blue said he wanted a divorce. He had many reasons, yet no reason. This man--this man that I had devoted my life to--decided my all wasn't good enough and our marriage not worthy of the effort to work on it. I just didn't make him happy. So. Here I am, one year, three months and nineteen days later, bruised, battered, alone (but still married!) and STILL STANDING.....I have reached that mystical 'SECOND HALF' of my life. We all get here, sooner or later; some alone, some not. I just never thought it would come this way.Valentine's day, i took the plunge and quit my job. What had I to lose? My children are all grown and doing very well. My husband is on his own journey. Its just me. Should I keep at a job that was steady and secure, but draining me emotionally, just to pay the bills? A life that was more a life sentence, and that kept me wondering, is this all there is? But, I'm not ready to give up! I haven't even started!!!
This is where I stand now. I'm no longer just someone's mother, or someone's wife. Who, or what, am I??? What were all those dreams I left along the way, like so much debris? This is my journey, my search for balance and reality; my search for my Life. I have no time for husband bashing or a lot of introspection; this is to be a positive time of learning, trying new things, and DOING.
I wanted to call this blog, 'Jack of all Trades' but it was taken. I had thought, well, my name is Jack[ie] so it was fitting, and i consider myself a classic, jack of all trades and master of none...meaning, i know how to do a lot of things pretty good, but specialize in none of them.
Even though I'm personally happy being this way, i still thought of it as a defect. We're told everyone is an expert at something, and all we have to do is figure out what our talent or niche is and we will be successful. Well, I just can't figure out what my specialty is. I'm still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up, and ya know, i'm facing retirement in the next decade! I hate the idea of doing the same thing, day in and day out. How can anyone bear doing the same things for the rest of their life??? How can i pick just one thing from the zillions that are so fascinating? How can i know what i will still be interested in years down the road because, when i lose interest in something, there ain't NO WAY i can force myself to keep doing it.
I was at the library the other day, and on a whim, scanned the self-help section. There on the shelf was a book that asked, "don't know what to do with your life? Are you drawn to so many things you can't choose one? Do you ache to find the right direction so you can settle down and just do it?" The book is called, "REFUSE TO CHOOSE...a revolutionary program for doing everything you love" by Barbara Sher.
I started reading it the other night, and what a revelation! Did you know, there are millions of people out there right now, just like me...and history is full of them as well? People like da Vinci, Aristotle, Ben Franklin, Geothe--no one thinks they were indulgent, lazy, or unfocused. And, it wasn't until the 1950's when suddenly we all had to be specialists in our chosen fields and everyone, right down to the garbage collector (oops, waste manager) needed a special title to validate themselves but before that, people were encouraged to have a well-rounded education?She refers to people like this as Scanners--people who seem to skim life, learning various fields of interest rather than digging deep into one area.
"Scanners love to read and write, to fix and invent things, to design projects and businesses, to cook and sing, and to create the perfect dinner party. " Then they move on. Its not an either/or thing with them, but All of the Above.
WOW! Its such a relief to know that i am OK and don't have to fit that other mold. Maybe i don't have to 'grow up' after all??
I've actually come to the conclusion that i'll never have a true traditional type career. I do know what i love to do the most but i don't have the education or credentials to do this type of work. I don't even know if or how it is done or what this position would be called...i guess it would be a type of business advisor. But--whenever i hear someone talking about their goals and dreams, i can actually feel my heart beat faster and my whole body become alert and alive! I immediately start asking questions and try to come up with suggestions on the spot of ways they can accomplish their dreams, start their own business or whatever it is they want...it always amazes me how i can generate a business plan--complete with marketing strategy--within minutes and if you give me a bit of time i will have the entire process mapped out. I get such such a thrill from the planning, the strategy, the troubleshooting...to do that for a living would be wonderfully exciting! Every day would be different, and to know you were able to help someone on their journey would be so fulfilling.
But, in the meantime, I do everything else.
Ideally, we want all our time to be productive. We seem to need to keep busy. Too many ____, too little time...you fill in the blank. Why do we push ourselves so much? Why do we become slaves to our to-do list?
I've been reading the book by Dan Miller, “48 Days to the Work You Love”. The book is sprinkled with quotes and thoughts. Such as, Doug King: “Learn to pause or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you.” He also relates how Henry Ford didnt want executives to always be busy at their desk. He wanted them to take time to prop their feet up and dream fresh dreams. Andrew Carnegie went into an empty room for hours at a time to “sit for ideas”. Thoreau wandered through Walden Pond. How many of us have discovered going for long walks when we have a lot on our minds? And, why do you think your best ideas come when driving or in the shower? Sadly, those are the only quiet times many of us have anymore.
Speaking of which, I am going to take a walk.
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