Friday, January 22, 2010
my dad and i are here to try to keep my mother as mentally comfortable as possible during this time but sometimes, when her mind slips more than not, it gets hard. she just can't understand why he will not sleep with her anymore, why he leaves her there at night and goes 'home' and when that happens, she just goes off on him relentlessly. she can be pretty rough: why wont he stay with her; why does he treat her this way, what kind of husband is he...how about, the kind that walks over to spend 12 hours a day with her every day, rain, shine, snow, or ice--without fail. the kind that would love to go someplace else but won't because he doesnt want to leave her alone.
when that happens, i try to distract her by getting out the cards. we play 500 rummy. it gives her something to concentrate on and i think it helps her mind to figure out '3-of-a-kind' or '3-in-a-row'; what to keep, what to discard. sometimes we play for 3-4 hours, other times just a few games. the goal is to get her ready to sleep comfortably.
sometimes when i walk back from the nursing home, i look at the sky almost with surprise that the sun still rises and sets, the moon and stars still come out at night. it's hard to remember, is there really a world out there, beyond this nursing home facility, beyond this apartment? do people still go shopping, go to movies, to parties; meet with friends, have friends??
i wonder if it helps or hurts that i'm not working outside of the home right now, but am trying to make a go of it by working on jewelry and fabric...my etsy shops, my galleries. i sometimes talk to people on the phone, people with actual voices, not just online, and i enjoy hearing them talk but dont know what to say back. its like my world has shrunk smaller and tighter with each day until i exist just within these apartment rooms...until i am reluctant to even leave them.
yet, i dream of leaving, of going far away where the weather is nice and i can feel the warmth of the sun on my face. there are lots of people and i can walk the beach and hear the rhythmic waves on the shore and the birds crying, looking for food. i dream of selling my jewelry and artwork to people like these, people who see my work and like it and want to own it.
Every morning and evening during the week i can hear the planes at the airport with their jet engines roaring, getting ready for take off and i think about how it would feel to be on them. i think it would be a good feeling, except that i dont think i would want to come back for a long time. sometimes i go to the airlines' websites and punch in imaginary destinations and departure dates but i never choose round trip--its always one way.
i know this will pass, but i dont know what will happen then...what will my father do, where will he go, will he want to stay with me, or will he prefer to go by one of his sons? where will i go? back to my house? after all this time, i dont know if i want to. sometimes i want to be completely alone, other times i dont want to be alone at all.
whatever happens, it will be different. whatever happens, at least i have had this time, i did what i could for my parents, i did what i needed to do. whatever happens.
Friday, January 15, 2010
It ain't me, sorry; i just dont work that way. that implies moving forward on many fronts, doing a little bit each day on many things. Multi-tasking.
nah, not gonna happen.
I work in spurts, in phases. i will immerse myself in a couple things and live/breathe it day and night until i finished it or have gotten it flowing pretty smoothly. then i move on to the next thing on my agenda. That's it, secret's out...I'm a serial-aholic.
Right now i'm focusing on my jewelry shop, urbanartifaks. Once i get that up to speed and moving to where i can just do maintenance on it, i'll move onto my other etsy shop, jacqmstudios where all my fiber art and other work is. My mind is already working in that area coming up with ideas and things i want to make. Once that gets full and moving, THEN i will move on to my photography. If i do that like i do everything else, i'll experiment with different techniques and styles and build on what i do already.
Much of my experimentation is head work. I need to have a goal or result i want to achieve before i can do anything. that gives me a sort of direction or means of evaluating my progress. I hate to be aimless, as i dont usually end up with anything concrete. That's why all my efforts to learn Photoshop by "just go play around with all the buttons and see what they do" taught me nothing. I needed to have a goal, a desired outcome...it may change along the way, but i need to have that direction.
I need the "what if".
Most people think i should focus on developing 'good' habits so i can work better...but that's because certain methods are perceived as 'right' and everything else therefore is wrong.
I think we need to take the time to figure out how we personally work the best, and then find ways to maximize our results. We cant all fit the same mold...since we're unique people we work differently. i remember complaining to my daughter years ago because i would go months without producing anything. Her answer was, "yes, but you produce more in those couple months you DO work than most people do in a year" and that's true.
i guess i'm tired of reading all these 'self-help' articles telling me how to be like everyone else.
Popeye had the right idea..."i yam what i yam, and thats all that i yam."
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
So-here you have my little Christmas gnome sitting in front of my mini chiminea with the tiny rubber gecko on it. Not too bad.
On a brighter note, my etsy shop got picked as the EcoDiva's weekend pic on her blog!
Now THAT is awesome!
so, i'm off to bed
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Once i make a decision, i like to act on it. now. So, as part of my 'No Resolutions' year, i decided to 1) walk each day and 2) take a photo of the day. i can take more than one photo, but it has to be edited to one official POD.
and etsy doesnt count.
so last night, even tho i've been sick in this apartment since christmas, i decided to walk up to get my dad's pills with my new pocket camera-the camera i've been wanting so bad so i would never be without a camera ever because it fits into my purse. dont get me wrong, i LOVE my Nikon D60, but its so big it counts as a carry-on.
i couldnt feel my thighs after the first mile, but i made it to the store in time-although the pharmacy closed as soon as i was done.
on the way home, i played with my camera-as much as i could in 10 degrees-shooting a couple houses that were all lit up and playing trans-siberian orchestra's christmas carols.
it was the first time i'd really messed with the camera and i haven't used a point-and-shoot for so long it took a while to get around the auto-flash-you know how crappy lights look with flash-but i discovered a 'museum-mode' that lets you shoot with no flash and longer exposures. 'course, when i got home and looked at the camera, i found the flash button where you can trigger it on/off/red eye/etc.
oh well, i found another way. i think it worked, tho.
but here is my official picture of the day-oh, and as far as how i did with my walk, i got in over 3 miles AND i made it well worth my while--i also brought home a bottle of el cheap-o diluted rum and 2 boxes of swiss miss hot chocolate so if i DO have a relapse, I AM READY.
Here's JAN 2 P.O.D:
Saturday, January 2, 2010
but i spent a good part of my day today searching online, nothing really, just wandering, exploring whatever took my fancy.
i posted things here and there on my facebook page but it wasn't any one thing i saw that hit me. rather, it was just the tiniest of reactions i had to such a diverse range of styles and ideals. tiny meaning as if it were timidly trying to poke its head out of the dirt and into my conciousness. tiny like a pale fragile seedling just breaking through the seed pod and looking up to start its journey toward the light. yeah, like that.
i felt a sudden longing to be 17 again and full of wonder and facing the world unencumbered...but luckily that didnt last. i remember everything that came after being 17 and decided no, i would prefer to be over 50 and full of wonder and facing the world unencumbered...and i realized maybe i can do that!
my life has always been a bit stalemated because i could never settle on one thing long enough to make any progress...i love everything. but i think i would like to try to focus more on what it is i like rather than worrying about everyone else--just for a while.
maybe it's just taking care of my parents this past year has been wearing and weary-ing so maybe that's why the thought of picking up and moving to paris for a year just because holds so much appeal...or to the caribbean-that would be more like it. to leave this world behind-just for a while. i would come back and visit, i promise.